Hearing “I want to go home” from someone with Alzheimer’s or another dementia is a common and often frustrating experience. This is especially true when you know they are already safe in their current home. The instinct is to explain, to use logic, but that approach rarely works and can often lead to more agitation.
Instead, the most effective strategy is to respond with compassion and kindness, focusing on the emotions behind the request. This blog will explore why someone with dementia asks to go home and offer three gentle, soothing ways to respond that can help calm their anxiety.
Why the Request to Go Home Is More Than It Seems
Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia change the way a person’s brain functions, affecting their ability to understand and process the world. When they say, “I want to go home,” they are often expressing a need for something more than a change in location.
It’s often a signal that they are feeling:
Unsafe
Anxious
Lonely
Overwhelmed
In pain or discomfort
The kindest response is to meet them where they are emotionally. By focusing on reassurance and comfort, you can address the underlying feeling of unease and help them feel secure again. This approach also gives you a chance to assess if a physical need or source of discomfort is causing their distress.
Kind and Calming Ways to Respond
These suggestions are a great starting point, but remember to get creative and tailor your responses to your loved one’s unique personality and history.
Reassure with Comfort, Not Explanations
Sometimes the phrase “I want to go home” is simply how a person with dementia expresses that they need comfort. Your calm and positive presence can be a powerful tool.
Stay Calm: Approach them with a relaxed and soothing demeanor. Your own calm energy can help them settle down.
Offer a Hug: If they are receptive to physical touch, a gentle hug, holding their hand, or a light touch on their arm can provide a strong sense of security.
Provide a Soothing Object: A soft blanket, a therapy doll, or a stuffed animal can also offer comfort and a sense of normalcy.
Redirect with a Purpose
Validation and redirection are effective techniques that get better with practice. The key is to avoid arguing or trying to reason with them.
First, validate their feelings. Agree with them to avoid a power struggle. This shows you are on their side. You could say:
“That’s a good idea. We can go soon.”
“Okay, let’s get ready to go home.”
Next, gently redirect their attention. Use the agreement as an opportunity to shift their focus to something pleasant and distracting.
The Car Ride: Agree to take them home, but suggest a quick stop for a treat like ice cream or to see some birds outside. The outing itself can be a distraction.
Shared Activities: Say, “We’ll go soon. First, would you like a warm cup of tea?” or “I just need a moment to finish these dishes. Can you help me?” The shared activity provides a natural transition away from the original idea.
Talk about Home: Ask them to tell you about their home. This validates their feelings while creating a positive memory. You could ask:
“Tell me about your home. What’s your favorite room?”
“What’s the first thing you’ll do when you get there?”
Take Them on a “Trip” Home
If the idea of going home is too persistent to redirect, you might have to agree to take them. If you can, a brief car ride can sometimes be enough to satisfy the need to “go somewhere.”
Go for a Drive: Drive around the neighborhood, then circle back home. The change of scenery and motion can be calming. On the way, you can stop for a snack or an errand to add to the distraction.
Actively Get Ready: If a car ride isn’t possible, simply going through the motions of getting ready to leave can be effective. You can say, “Let’s put on your coat and get your purse.” This shows you are on their side and helps satisfy the urge to act. As you get ready, you can then try to gently redirect them to another activity.
Remember, what works one time may not work the next. Stay flexible and keep trying different approaches. The goal is always to find a way to meet their emotional needs and provide a sense of security.
