This program is designed to support caregivers, particularly those caring for individuals with dementia, as they face emotionally difficult decisions that often contradict promises made earlier in their caregiving journey. These promises may include commitments such as “I’ll never put you in a nursing home” or “I’ll always take care of you myself.”
Learn more about understanding the nature of promises, moral distress, guilt, shifting from promise to purpose, grief, and acceptance. The program includes practical techniques such as journaling, support group engagement, and guided discussions to help caregivers release guilt and develop emotional resilience.
Presenter: Hollie Lowe, MA, LPC.NCC
The Weight of the Promise
Many caregivers enter their journey by making a heartfelt promise: “I will always keep you at home.” At the time, that promise was made in good faith, based on what you knew then. Perhaps your loved one was still walking, talking, and of sound mind.
But dementia is a progressive and terminal illness. As the disease changes, the reality of care changes. Hollie Lowe reminds us that if you have to transition your loved one to a facility, you aren’t breaking a promise—you are fulfilling the deeper vow to ensure they are safe, cared for, and loved.
When is it “Time”?
The answer isn’t found in a calendar, but in one word: Safety. Lowe defines this through two lenses:
- Physical Safety: Can you safely bathe, move, or protect your loved one without risking injury to them or yourself?
- Emotional Safety: Is the stress of 24/7 care destroying your bond or your own mental health?
The “Hidden Patient”: Statistics show that 68% of caregiver spouses (ages 66–96) and 64% of adult children caring for a parent for over four years pass away before the person with dementia. Self-care is not a luxury; it is a necessity for survival.
Shifting Your Mindset: From Guilt to Grief
One of the most powerful shifts Lowe suggests is “reframing” the word Guilt. Guilt implies you have done something wrong intentionally.
Instead, Lowe offers three “Gs” to help you heal:
- Grief: Recognize that what you feel is actually loss. You are grieving the future you planned, the person your loved one used to be, and the loss of your own freedom.
- Grace: Give yourself the same compassion you would offer a best friend.
- Growth: Moving from “I should have” (which leads to depression) to “What can I do now?”
Breaking the “Nursing Home” Stigma
For many, the word “nursing home” triggers images of sterile, lonely hallways from decades ago. Lowe encourages caregivers to do their research before a crisis hits. Modern memory care and assisted living facilities focus on life and connection.
By adding professionals to your “support team,” you aren’t abandoning your loved one. You are reclaiming your role as a wife, husband, daughter, or son, rather than just being a “24/7 task-manager.”
Practical Steps: The 28-Day Challenge
It takes about 28 to 30 days to make or break a habit. Lowe challenges caregivers to commit to one small change this month:
- To Do: Start a daily connection ritual that isn’t about “care tasks”—like holding hands for five minutes or watching a classic comedy together.
- To Stop: Break the habit of negative self-talk. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
Remember: Even Superman has a Team
“If you can name it, you can tame it,” Lowe says. Acknowledge your grief, reach out for help, and remember that you don’t have to do this alone. Even the strongest heroes need the Justice League behind them.
**Sponsored by the North Central Texas Caregiver Teleconnection program**
Learn more about Caregiver Teleconnection’s free monthly calls by visiting their website or calling toll free: 866-390-6491.
We hope this information is helpful to you in the important work you do as a family caregiver.
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