Today I am going to the mountains. This is a photo of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains in northern New Mexico, where my husband and I traveled for many years in late October around our anniversary. I hope the days spent traveling together are not behind us, but this is where I will go for 15 minutes or so in my imagination. I can use my memory and mindfulness tools to feel the cool mountain breeze, breathe the dry mountain air, smell the piñon pines, look at the vibrant fall colors, enjoy my memories, and relax.
I’m humbled by the mountains, which have survived harsh conditions year after year. They are more beautiful, weathered by wind, snow, ice, and rain, which continue to smooth the sharp edges. Like the mountains, family caregivers are shaped by what we endure. Weathering doesn’t have to wear us down—it can strengthen us, build our resilience, and teach us wisdom. What has caregiving done for us rather than to us?
My own “weathering” continues to teach me. My primary care physician ‘prescribed’ setting aside 15 minutes each day to do nothing. I couldn’t imagine most caregivers doing that. But I’ve learned to recognize when exhaustion makes me lose my patience—so I take whatever time I can to rest. I am more patient. I am gentler with myself. I’ve become more organized with medical and home maintenance information. Knowing our 2024 records are nearly ready for our CPA, I feel less stressed. I’ve also let go of the self-imposed pressure to cook all the time. The list goes on. While I still struggle to take 15 minutes each day to do nothing, my self-care has definitely improved.
I am also grateful I can help keep my husband as safe and independent as possible in our home. I am grateful for the family and friends I have chosen to be family.
My husband and I are grateful for our ability to survive last year’s challenges. Although he has mild dementia, he is mostly healthier, using a walker for greater safety since he is a fall risk. We have good insurance and outstanding doctors, nurses, physical therapists, and other healthcare providers.
I am grateful for our two adult sons, who didn’t hesitate to respond to my request that they stay with their dad while I took a respite break. The second time I left for a few days, he didn’t really need overnight care, so I got him an emergency response button. Our sons insisted they stay with him and arranged the time between them. They have learned more about their dad’s illnesses and were willing to learn about his routine and needs. They made sacrifices—not just for their dad but also for me.
I am grateful for respite breaks. My cousin invited me out of state for a few days, and I saw relatives I had not seen in years. Time away with my best friend, sister-in-law, niece, and friends keeps me engaged in the world and maintaining valued friendships. I am grateful that sometimes I can just “wander” in shops and enjoy activities as I did before my intense caregiving.
I am also deeply grateful my husband encourages me to take these breaks.
Caregiving is usually intense and stressful, but each day is temporary. Tomorrow may be better or worse, but I can’t control that. What I can do is plan for what’s within my control—now, tomorrow, and in the days ahead. So today, I am going to the mountains. They will remind me that even the harshest moments are temporary, to breathe, to remember, and to experience wonder.
I have a choice about what I focus on and think about anywhere I am.
Where do you want to go?
Link to a classic mindfulness YouTube recording, Mountain Meditation, written and recorded by Jon Kabat Zinn, an early medical researcher and leader in Mindfulness.
By Zanda Hilger, LPC, Founder, Family Caregiver & Program Manager for Family Caregivers Online
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