Holiday Harmony: Tips for Peaceful Family Gatherings

You can avoid family conflict during the holidays (or at least minimize it).  Avoiding family drama during the Christmas/holiday season can be a bit of an art, but it is certainly something you can manage. And well.

Imagine: One person (or one person’s wife) ends up resentfully doing most of the organizing, cooking, and work, while another relative imbibes too much and blurts out a dark secret, and then another relative’s child throws an unbearable tantrum. Any single one of these occurrences, not to mention a combination of several, can be all it takes to ruin yet another annual family holiday gathering.

The holidays tend to be stressful for just about anyone. Combine this stress with the fact that some individuals can be thoughtless, inconsiderate, nitpicky, irritating, and sometimes outright spiteful. Worse, many such individuals (yes, including your own family members) never own their own behavior, and really don’t care how hurtful, problematic, or careless with the feelings of others they may be. It is always “someone else’s fault.”

Holiday stress plus difficult behavior can make an uncomfortable combination.  It’s enough to make everyone else dread the holidays, resist getting the family together, and wish they could fast forward the clock past New Year’s.

What Drives it All?

What are some of the dynamics that create an atmosphere ripe for familial holiday conflict? 

• “Short fuses.”A family member (or members or even friends) is prone to angry outbursts that typically don’t fit the situation or to what triggers the outburst, such as “I said NO PECANS!! Why can’t you do ANYTHING right???”.
• Opinionated individuals tend to be extremely rigid in their thinking, suspicious without reason, unwilling to concede anything, or seemingly just defiant and argumentative for the sake of it.   “I know what I’m talking about, and if you don’t agree with me, you’re an idiot!”
• Attention hogs. The family member or guest who needs to be the center of attention.  They may act out when they feel offended or feel left out of conversations, outings, events, etc. 
• The buzzkills. Then there are the family members around whom you feel ever physically and emotionally drained, or worse yet, you feel agitated, anxious, unsettled, or upset.
• The martyrs. The person who loves to play the victim or feels entitled to receive special treatment. Vindication for perceived injustices and having unreasonable demands met are the sought-after prize for these individuals. All at the expense of others, of course. “One day you’ll be sorry when I’m gone!”
• The wound collectors. Fixates on past offenses, slights, mistakes/flaws of others, and is ever ready to bring them back up at the drop of a hat. No forgiveness or forgetting. No peace.
• Irresponsible speech and behavior. The person who always seems to irritate or hurt others’ feelings, as if the negligent perpetrator feels no obligation whatsoever to “turn on the filter,” such as “I tell it like it is!”
• The never-ending family feud. Family feuds among relatives may be brief outbursts that last a few minutes or that may go on for hours, days, even weeks and months with minimal effort (or even desire) to reconcile or end them.
• Feelings of unhappiness, being emotionally drained, edginess, lack of fulfillment, worthlessness, etc. You “walk on eggshells” at the family get-togethers, constantly on guard to avoid the next incident that will embarrass or hurt you.

Recognize that none of this is your imagination. Such individuals may act reasonably one day, but that doesn’t mean you should simply ignore such flagrantly bad habits and behaviors, especially when they hurt you or others. These people need help but may not think they have the problem, but everyone else does.  You have to protect yourself. Remember, such incidents can serve as a trigger to set off your anxiety and triggers you work hard to avoid..

Mind your boundaries

Here are some suggestions regarding what you can do when dealing with such bad behavior from family members and to help avoid family drama during the holidays or any other time of year:

1. This is no time for therapy. Remember that family time during the holidays is not the time for a therapy session. That is for professionals to handle in private at another appropriate time. Don’t let your holiday cheer be robbed by going for the bait and being drawn into drama you don’t want.
2. Set boundaries. Without being too exacting, determine ahead of time what you will and won’t tolerate. You may have to separate yourself from the group or not attend at all if you feel uncomfortable from the last time you saw the person causing the problem. Do not ease up on your boundaries until inconsiderate behaviors change.  For example,  if dinner is scheduled at 6 pm, then start at 6. Latecomers will just be late. Avoid tolerating the behavior of “attention hogs,” don’t react to dramatic entrances, or be baited by someone trying to take control of a gathering. Avoid feeling like a victim of someone else’s behavior.  
3. See reality for what it is. Words matter little if there is no action to back it up. Don’t just write off hurtful behaviors. You can only manage your reactions.
4. Taboo topics. Get a consensus upfront regarding what everyone else is willing to discuss and not discuss (e.g., religion, politics). These discussions can tend to bring out the worst in people.
5. Taboo behaviors. Some individuals revert to coping mechanisms/behaviors such as binge drinking to create a divide in the group and antagonize or irritate others. You can set the rules in your house, but if you and your family are elsewhere, don’t join into the conflict.
6. Call for help if you need to. If someone gets violent or draws a weapon (especially after drinking/drugging), don’t  hesitate to call the police.
7. Safety is not a guarantee. Just because you are with family does not mean you are emotionally/physically/psychologically safe. Watch out for yourself and avoid/avert anything or anyone who might do you harm.
8. Plan on having a good time together! Don’t give an audience to someone who tries to take over a gathering.  Avoid giving the person much attention by redirecting a conversation or changing an activity.  Focus on creating positive memories together with your family and friends who gather together.

Awkward and unhappy family moments happen, even if you have done everything you can to avoid them.  Avoid feeling like you’ve failed if a family holiday get-together doesn’t go well. Be polite and loving, but be firm in taking care of yourself.

Adapted from 8 Ways to Keep Family Members From Ruining Your Holidays, Solara Mental Health Veterans Program.

Edited by Zanda Hilger

We hope this information is helpful to you in the important work you do as a family caregiver.
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