Is it time for your care receiver to do more for themselves, which also helps you? Can you avoid doing it all?
Disclaimer: Every situation is different. The person you care for may have
physical and/or cognitive illnesses that limit them from
“activities of daily living.” The suggestions in this article may have to
be modified or eliminated if the person can no longer accomplish
these tasks. However, consider whether they can do any part of them. You will both benefit.
We use the term care receiver for family member, loved one, husband/wife, or whatever term you use.
As the only caregiver for my husband, after multiple surgeries, hospitalizations, and skilled care center stays from late 2023 to the end of March 2024, I did everything at home. When he came home, he was extremely weak, and he had been diagnosed with dementia and possibly Parkinson’s disease. After four months, mainly in bed, he used a wheelchair for the first two months, eventually able to use a walker.
In those early days, I needed to do everything for him. He could not carry anything related to his meals, a beverage, grooming, etc. After having used large packaged washcloths for a few weeks, he could transfer into our shower, where I stood by, ready to help. I got his fresh clothes and towels and ensured he had the shampoo and body wash he needed. I provided all the meals, carrying his food and beverages back and forth to the table or the living room. I also set up his pill boxes and managed his medications.
How do you know when the person you care for can start doing more for themselves, which helps you, the caregiver?
Caregiving is not the same for everyone. Many care receivers do far more than what is described here. Some care receivers will never improve enough to do more for themselves, especially those with Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias. However, many caregivers either don’t give themselves permission to share responsibilities, or their loved one has become so used to this new way of life that they resist change. A real challenge for care receivers is the ever-present fear of falling or injuring themselves somehow, and they might have to return to a hospital or skilled care facility. They resist doing anything, however safe, because of this real fear. Start with small tasks and negotiate with him, if possible.
Consider if you took a little time now to include them, even re-training, to relieve you of some, if not all, the responsibilities. Think about what you all are doing and consider changing a few things.
- Are you overdoing it?
- Can they do more than they do?
- Are there personal care, meals, laundry, and other day-to-day activities you continue to do that they might be able to help with if they are for themselves?
How does your care receiver benefit from doing more for himself? Among the benefits are increased independence, confidence, feeling more like a family member, and other small ways it takes some time to see.
Before you start redoing your entire routine, listing every task you do is wise, although time-consuming. You can break those down into steps. You will be overwhelmed like I was when I created this list. But making that list accomplished two things:
1) caregiving was an even more overwhelming responsibility than I thought, and
2) I recognized activities my husband could start doing or at least help with. Your care receiver may not be able to do everything on the list, but they may be able to do some of the tasks and even improve enough to take on that responsibility completely.
Have you gotten into the habit of doing certain activities your receiver could easily do for themselves?
Caregivers of individuals with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia often face challenges in keeping their loved ones engaged. Two caregivers found effective ways to redirect their career receivers’ problem behaviors, keeping them busy and reducing anxiety. Caregivers had to modify the tasks as their care receiver’s illness progressed.
- One caregiver gave her mother laundry to fold. Her mother did not necessarily fold the items so much as move them around and stack them. The caregiver still praised her for helping her.
- The husband of another caregiver became worried and anxious because he thought the bills were not being paid. The caregiver gave her husband old, paid bills, a checkbook, and envelopes. Although he sometimes struggled to write checks and put them in envelopes, this activity helped reduce his anxiety and lessened his constant concerns about paying the bills. He was less anxious and was not constantly talking about paying the bills.
Meals – Your care receiver may not have been able to do much for themselves, such as anything related to meals. Is it possible for them to do a few things? Could they sit at the table and chop vegetables, set the table, watch food as it’s cooking, or get condiments like ketchup out of the refrigerator and onto the table?
Bathing and Grooming – Is your assistance still necessary for every aspect of their shower or bath? It may be, but could that person get their change of clothes out, such as their underwear, socks, shirt, and pants? You could oversee each activity, including putting those items in an area commonly used after a shower or bath. Can that person turn on the shower or bathwater until it is the right temperature? You may still have to transfer them into the shower or bathtub. Do you need to continue to be with them, or can you leave the room so they can wash themselves? Can they clean themselves? What do they need help with, like shampooing their hair?
Appointments—Has your care receiver improved enough to make their own appointments? Perhaps you could stand by, ready to intervene, clarify appointments with the physician’s office staff, or ensure the conversation between your care receiver and medical personnel goes smoothly. Be sure to have a master calendar. Since I keep my calendar on my cell phone, I print the next month’s calendar, which includes my husband’s and my appointments.
Personal note: I had been making appointments for my husband for months. One day, I asked him, “Couldn’t you do this yourself?” He could and started scheduling some of his appointments. Navigating complex menus may confuse your care receiver and is not an option. But maybe they could write down appointments on the master calendar as you make them.
Laundry—This may be one of the simpler tasks. Ask your care receiver to fold or hang up clothes from the dryer. You may have to bring clothes to them. Get started with one example. Do you really need to re-fold it if they fold it differently from how you do it?
Deliveries and Mail – Can he go to the door and receive packages from delivery, check the mail, or even walk to a mailbox if your mail is not at your door? Will she be safe walking to the mailbox? Make sure you designate an area to place packages and mail.
Home Maintenance Routines – Are you currently scheduling, paying for, and making phone calls to schedule tasks such as lawn mowing, leaf removal, heating and air conditioning maintenance, and even ordering groceries and other items from stores you use? Are there tasks in running your household that the care receiver can help you with scheduling? With all you have to do, perhaps a membership with a local grocery or big box store is a good investment in your self-care for home delivery. Some stores run special memberships.
Computer/Online—Can your care receiver use the computer again? Can they go online, or is it more work for you? Perhaps they have emails to catch up on. Can they start checking their email and responding to them? Depending on their recovery or capability, can they begin paying bills online, checking bank balances, and performing other essential activities?
Financial and legal matters—This one is tricky. With financial and legal issues, the person you care for may not be capable of, nor should they be doing, anything related. The information could upset or confuse them because of their limitations in thinking and decision-making.
Summary – Give all of this some thought. Remember the benefits for your care receiver and you. I often ask caregivers, “If someone you know and like were telling you what is going on with you, what would you tell them?” Maybe a friend or family member who has been supportive through your caregiving journey could read this article and make suggestions. We are often too close to a situation to see it clearly and make the best decisions. In the end, you have to make decisions and live with your care receiver.
Written by Zanda Hilger, LPC, Family Caregiver, Licensed Counselor, and Program Manager for Family Caregivers Online
We hope this information is helpful to you in the important work you do as a family caregiver.
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