In our last post, we explored the complex differences between being alone, feeling lonely, and experiencing the lonesomeness of a changing relationship. Today, we are focusing on the next crucial step: how to practically protect your time and emotional health by setting firm, loving boundaries.
Family caregivers often experience emotions that can be difficult to explain. Many describe feeling alone, lonely, or lonesome—sometimes all in the same day.
Ann’s story illustrates how these feelings can look different and why recognizing the difference matters.
Meet Ann and Richard
Ann and Richard have been married for 48 years. They raised a family, traveled together, attended church activities, and enjoyed spending time with friends.
Three years ago, Richard was diagnosed with dementia.
As his memory and abilities changed, Ann gradually became his primary caregiver.
Today, Ann manages medications, appointments, meals, finances, household responsibilities, and Richard’s daily care. She loves Richard deeply and remains committed to caring for him. Yet caregiving has changed nearly every aspect of their lives.
When Ann Is Alone
Every afternoon, Richard takes a nap. For Ann, that hour often becomes the only quiet time she has during the day. Sometimes she sits on the patio with a cup of tea or a soda. Sometimes she reads, gardens, or simply enjoys the silence.
During these moments, Ann is physically alone. But she is not lonely. The solitude helps her recharge.
When Ann Feels Lonely
Although Ann spends most of her day with Richard, she often feels lonely. Friends stopped inviting them to social events because Richard became confused in large groups. Ann declined invitations so often that many eventually stopped asking. When people check on her, they usually ask about Richard first. Ann sometimes feels as though nobody truly understands the challenges of caregiving.
One evening after a difficult day, she thought: “I have talked to people all day, yet I feel completely alone.” Ann wasn’t physically isolated. She was lonely.
Eventually she joined a caregiver support group. For the first time, she met people who truly understood. Simply being understood reduced her loneliness.
When Ann Feels Lonesome
One Saturday morning Ann found an old photo album. As she looked through pictures of vacations, anniversaries, and family celebrations, she felt an ache that was difficult to describe. Richard was sitting beside her. He was physically present. Yet the relationship they once shared had changed.
Ann missed their conversations. She missed traveling together. She missed being husband and wife instead of caregiver and care receiver. She wasn’t simply lonely. She was lonesome.
The Hidden Grief
Many caregivers experience grief long before death occurs. Ann was grieving the changes in Richard’s personality and the loss of their plans and dreams for an uncertain future. Ann misses the companionship and intimacy of their relationship because Richard is so different now.
This experience is often called ambiguous loss. The person is still physically present, yet the relationship has changed. Working through her grief, Ann eventually learned to acknowledge these feelings instead of pushing them away. She shared memories with family members, looked through old photographs, and talked openly with trusted friends. Most importantly, she gave herself permission to grieve.
Ann’s Realization
Over time, Ann realized she could experience all three feelings in the same week—or even the same day. She could be alone while Richard napped. She was lonely because few people really understood what caregiving means. She was lonesome because she missed the relationship they once shared.
Recognizing the difference helped her respond more effectively. When she was alone, she needed rest. When she was lonely, she needed connection. When she was lonesome, she needed comfort, remembrance, and permission to grieve.
Reflection Questions – How about you?
- When was the last time you felt truly alone?
- Are you experiencing loneliness because you feel misunderstood or disconnected?
- Are you feeling lonesome because you miss the relationship you once had with your loved one?
- What kind of support would help most right now?
You Are Not Alone
One of the most common comments heard in caregiver support groups is: “I am rarely alone, but I often feel lonely.” If that describes your experience, know that your feelings are valid. Support is available. Connection is possible.
And caring for yourself is just as important as caring for the person you love.
Taking care of your own emotional well-being helps sustain your ability to care for someone else while preserving the parts of yourself that caregiving should never take away.
A wealth of information and resources is available on our website where you will find Blogs and News, an Education calendar, education programs, resources, caregiver stories, and Recursos en Español.
By Zanda Hilger, LPC, Founder, Family Caregiver & Program Manager for Family Caregivers Online
We hope this information is helpful to you in the important work you do as a family caregiver.
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